I promise:

I will never suppress my intelligence for the sake of friendship, or even a relationship, ever again.
I will attempt to eat more than half a meal per day.
Five miniature marshmallows do not count as a meal. Noodles are not a food group.
I will find Afro Dave a girlfriend so that he does not talk about sex 24/7, so my dad can bear to drink with him again, so that I can still get drinks bought for me on a regular basis without getting my boobies out.
I will not get my boobies out for free drinks.

I will pass my exams, take the best English and creative writing course in the country, at the fourth best university, and use my success to shit on everyone else's dreams for a change.